When I think back on the last couple years, I know I wasn’t perfect. I know I hit a point where I didn’t want to be around me. I can’t imagine I was terribly pleasant for others to be around. I wasn’t always kind. I wasn’t always patient. Mostly though, it was a matter of my heart. I could hide it, but it still wasn’t pretty. Inside my heart, I knew the ugliness there.
I let this sink me down into shame. I was trying to be good enough. I was trying to measure up and I was failing. I was so deeply ashamed so I stayed silent. I didn’t stand up for what I knew was right. I betrayed some of my deepest beliefs.
Recently, something broke open inside of me. God’s forgiveness was not something to be extended primarily to others…it was for me as well. He had paid the price for ALL of the wrong committed, by others and by me.
God sees me the same as He sees those who hurt me and those who I hurt — dearly loved, made blameless, and not condemned. As I accepted His forgiveness, I was able to forgive myself. Forgiveness has made space for healing. It has brought freedom. It is not freedom to continue to do wrong while calling on grace to cover those choices. It is freedom to look forward without shame. I have freedom to speak the truth. I have the freedom to move forward with confidence, knowing God is bigger than my past. He is also big enough to hold my future.