If you’ve read Mockingjay (or seen the movie) you may remember the question Peeta has to ask over and over again. “Real or not real?” His reality had been so distorted, he no longer knew what was true.
There were months where I asked that question almost constantly. Over this past year, I have slowly been aligning my mind with reality. I’ve been keeping the parts that were real. I’ve been setting aside the parts that were not real. It is like putting a puzzle together where half the pieces you are holding belong to a different puzzle. It takes slow methodical work and a lot of patience. In time the pieces of the real puzzle come together and create a complete picture.
The crazy thing about having your reality so distorted is that it makes it really hard to trust people. I couldn’t even trust myself. I didn’t know how to trust anyone else.
During this year, I had people trust me. Several times I have had someone tell me, “I just knew you were someone I could trust to do the job. I could trust you to do it well.” These were people who didn’t know me well or who hadn’t seen me in years. People who offered me the undeserved gift of their trust. I have done the best I could to honor this by being trustworthy. In the process, I have been learning to trust myself again.
Once I stopped doubting my own reality, I was able to trust people again. I’ve been able to believe what people tell me. There are still days where I have to ask the question “Real or not real?” Those days may be with me long into the future, but they are getting fewer and farther between.