I reached a point where for several months I believed I was going crazy. I still have a picture in my head from that. I was holding on to the end of a rope. That was the only thing connecting me to reality. It was as if I was mentally stepping into a blizzard. I knew my senses would deceive me. I couldn’t trust what I was seeing. If I lost that rope, I would be totally lost and unsure how to find my way back to safety.
My day to day experiences were dizzying and disorienting. I would make lists in my head of things I knew were true. What day it was. The city I was in. What my job was. From there I could build. I knew I was loved by God. I knew I had been forgiven by Him. I knew He was truth and did not want me to live in fear and shame.
The Bible was my touchstone. I tried to evaluate everything that was happening. If what was happening lined up with the character of God, I would place it in the “true” category. If what was being said didn’t line up with what I knew to be true of God, I placed it in the “false” category. I did my best, but a lot of events, things said to me, and my internal dialogue ended up in the wrong categories.
I walked out of this time with my confidence shattered. I did not have confidence in my teaching ability. I lost my confidence in my self-worth. I had no confidence in my ability to interpret reality. I didn’t see myself as capable of standing up for myself. I saw myself as a coward for not advocating for others.
My perspective was distorted. I had believed many lies. Still, that rope was still there. I still had one piece of reality that was pulling me back. As I have slowly pulled my way back into safety, I have been able to see what was really happening all the time.
I wasn’t going crazy. I was trying to believe people were doing their best and giving the benefit of the doubt.
I was remaining in the confusion and the disorientation while trying to get help for others. I can look back and see the courage it took to keep showing up day after day. It took courage to ask for help when my previous requests had been denied. It wasn’t even that I remained in the distorted reality. I walked back in willingly, trying to advocate for others and find help. This paints a very different picture than what I had seen before.
As I have spent time in these last several months, I have been able to sort out a lot of the truth from the lies. I have received a confidence not in my own ability, but in the God who is truth and will always pull me back to Him.