Reconcile – (verb) 1. To restore friendly relations between 2. To cause to coexist in harmony; to make or show to be compatible 3. To make one account consistent with another. (Miriam Webster Dictionary)
One of the hardest parts about these last several months has been trying to reconcile the memories and emotional responses of the last couple years. The reconciling I am talking about here is not anything between me and anyone else. This is a reconciling that has happened in my own brain.
When I look at the meanings of “reconcile” above, the one I am focusing on is the third one – “to make one account consistent with another.”
I have had to piece back together what really happened. There are certain extremes which are able to coexist. Very good things happened. I have happy memories. Hurtful and bad things happened. I left needing to heal and recover. It isn’t one or the other. Both can be true at the same time.
There are other parts that can not be reconciled. I could not simultaneously be both doing more than necessary and not pulling my weight. I could not be too compassionate and caring while in the same situation being cold and unfeeling. Over the last several months I have been separating the lies from the truth. I have been able to reconcile the words with the reality of what happened.
The hardest piece has been to reconcile my beliefs and convictions with my actions. Saying I believe something is very different than acting on that belief. Certain areas I needed a shift in belief. Other areas I needed a shift in action. I will not ever achieve this completely. There will always be areas where I will continue to work on matching my actions and words to what I believe to be good and true.
Yet, there is not the dissonance that I knew was there even a few months ago. I still feel a tension between what I believe is right and what I actually do, but there is no longer a deep split between the two. I make mistakes. I will do my best to learn from those mistakes. The gift I have received is knowing who I am at my core is the same person I present to the world. I’m not hiding. I’m not pretending. I am flawed and imperfect, but I am able to be me.