As I look back over the last several months and years, I have received grace, upon grace, upon grace.
It has felt more like a blind stumble through the dark. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know how to make wise choices. I was doing the best I was able, but I was in no condition to know what the best choices were.
Yet, my housemate and I forced ourselves to do something fun on Friday nights. Eating out. Getting haircuts. Finding funny movies to watch. No matter how busy things were, we took that little bit of time to relax and enjoy.
At the peak of my anxiety and exhaustion, I took a vacation. I got away and spent a few days with friends on a tropical island.
I kept having gaps in my memory. I started writing down everything that happened. Even if I couldn’t remember, I was able to re-read what had happened. I still have those records of that time.
I was able to transition to a new job for 9 months as I prepared to move back to Minnesota. It gave me the time I needed to say a proper goodbye to Japan and my life there.
I started running. There were a lot of reasons this was good, but it was one of the major reasons my anxiety started to lessen. Who knew this would regulate my breathing and relieve anxiety? I didn’t.
I started a job that forces me to stay present. I can’t work ahead. I can’t save up time. I can only work in the moment. It has been really good practice at noticing what is happening around me.
As I have told my story, I have gotten the same question over and over. “How did you know exactly what you were supposed to do?” My answer: I didn’t. God did.
By the grace of God, I did exactly what I needed to do in order to survive. It was by the grace of God alone that I was placed in the perfect position to heal.
As I retell my story of these years, there are so many times where I can only explain what happened as “by the grace of God alone.”
His grace is limitless. It is not going to run out. He will be able to take my stumbling through the dark and simply doing the best I am able, and turn it into something beautiful. His grace has not failed me yet, and it will continue to cover me into the future.